Is Death Truly a “Mystery”?
When I say the word “death” what do you feel?
Physically, it could be a sick feeling in your gut, a deep wounded feeling in your heart, or an overall heaviness enveloping your entire body.
Mentally, you may want to bury the experiences of memories surrounding death, or try to distract your mind by turning on the tv, looking at your phone, filling yourself with food or alcohol, or working and sleeping longer hours. Anything to get you out of where you don’t want to be.
Emotionally, the primary feeling as you reflect on death might be fear, numbness or even curiosity.
If death brings these emotions, these feelings, I understand. It does for me and many people. Running from the confrontation of a conversation or dealing with difficult emotions relating to death is the last thing many people want to think about. It’s too painful, and frankly, too uncomfortable to sit with.
Why? Because we don’t understand our feelings relating to death very well.
We haven’t been taught, we haven’t been given the tools to understand what we are feeling. How can we have a conversation around death, when we are trying to avoid it?
When we hear of someone going through a death or loss, the first thing people tend to do is stare, murmur an “I’m sorry for your loss”, and then leave as quickly as possible. We don’t know how to sit with grief as it relates to death, to simply be with it, and talk about it.
If you are a human, I guarantee you have dealt with death or loss, or will do so at some point in your lifetime. Wouldn’t it be a gift to understand how to move through it, instead of trying to escape it?
I have been through many deaths in my life. Close friends having miscarriages, family members dying, friends losing their lives too soon, and my pets crossing over right before my eyes.
How did these experiences change the way I relate to death? Especially when I was never given the tools to explore what I was feeling. As I moved through these losses, more present, more curious and more open, I discovered over time that when I was present with my feelings of grief and sadness, that these feelings were not as scary as I had anticipated.
In fact, they were gentle messengers and guides that helped me learn that these more challenging human emotions were pathways into a deeper and different connection. I found that death isn’t the end, but a new beginning. Overtime, I experienced that death became less of a “mystery” and instead a new way in which to experience my connection with the person or pet who had passed.
Now, you may be thinking, “Oh boy, here we go into ‘woo woo’ land, and I’m out of here!” Wait, before you go, please read on, it may be just what you need.
This connection, this pathway isn’t as “ET” as you may think. The “ phone home” is your heart. The pathway is opening your mind to receive these messages from the loved ones that you’ve lost. This can happen no matter what your spiritual belief is. Whether you are Christian, Catholic, Jewish, Muslim, or any other religion, or if you are agnostic, atheist, buddhist, or practice no spirituality or formal religion.
Leaning into our feelings and allowing them to surface into communicable words allows for healing, forgiveness, compassion, understanding, and a way out of the emptiness. Like many of us, you most likely need compassionate support and tools to guide you through the sadness, loneliness, grief, disbelief, anger, hurt, depression, and the sleepless nights of tears.
Death isn’t a mystery. It’s an exploration of what cannot be seen, but is deeply felt. This is why it can sometimes be called a “mystery.” Feelings are best understood by going through and exploring the difficult experience within a safe, supportive relationship. As humans, this is where we connect, where we develop self compassion, empathy, and understanding for what the ”other” feels.
In supporting my clients, I create a mindful space in our sessions where you can finally understand death and learn to talk about your experience and emotions, to share and connect, and even be in the moment of your grief without running away or numbing out. Where you will not hear, “It’s time to move on” or “Just get over it now.” People heal at their own pace. It is within this space that I will help you relate to what you are feeling, and support you as you move through the mystery, the pain, hurt and even anger, into a gentle understanding that the fear of death, does not have to create fear or isolation.
Even though it may feel counter intuitive, once experienced fully, death can be as beautiful as a birth. I understand that the story of how someone dies can be incredibly painful and, sometimes, downright unfair and cruel. I am not comparing a birth within this context, but within the cycles of life. In other words, once a death occurs, with healing and support, how your loved one died is no longer the largest part of the loss, rather it is the continued connection that creates a new birth story as you grieve and heal from the passing of your loved one.
Allowing yourself to give space to this new way of relating to the death of a beloved person or pet can be challenging. I truly know as I have felt the pain, the agony, the hurt, the “why” , and even the guilt of what “I should have done” or “could have said” or “should not have said.” It is absolutely possible to change your relationship to the death of your loved ones, it just takes gentle support and time.
If what I am sharing resonates with you, please know that you do not have to move through this difficult time alone. As a Certified Holistic Wellness Coach specializing in grief and loss, I will provide a safe space for you to learn, to grow, to heal and to create a new relationship with death and loss, and you create a new connection with your loved one.
The tools I use in my support work are uniquely facilitated to honor your faith, beliefs, your comfort, and your process. Gently, together, we can move from the pain of separation into the healing of connection and understanding.
Please reach out for support, I welcome your email: KBfitUBfit@gmail.com OR call: (626) 367- 2607
